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The following content generated in this column belongs to this week's current issue, not to archived issue #5. The Survey • How far is your home from the nearest true-to-God Italian restaurant? Sorry, but Americanized pizza joints do not apply. Olive Garden is acceptable. Fazoli's is not. less than a city block [practically next door] ten city blocks [1 mile/1½km] thirty city blocks [3 miles/5km] ten miles [16km] further than ten miles [16km] I haven’t the slightest clue • Would you like to take the next survey? Click HERE for Issue 5's Survey II. [an error occurred while processing this directive]

	RateIt! Results for Edition #4 • Readers gave last week's Issue #4 an average rating of 4.2 out of 5 stars. That amounts to an 84% approval rating. Stars   Percentage of Respondents 5       61%   [xxxxxxxxxxxx] 4       16%   [xxx] 3       15%   [xxx] 2        3%   [x] 1        5%   [x] Question Posed: In your opinion, how does this week's issue of EvilPasta compare to last week's issue? Percentage         Response 1%    []           "Much Better than last week" 28%   [xxxxxx]     "Somewhat Better" 39%   [xxxxxxxx]   "About the Same" 1%    []           "Not as Good" 0%    []           "Much Worse" 31%   [xxxxxx]     "Don't Know/Didn't See Previous Issue"

	Reader Survey Results for Edition #4 We asked: Which sauce do you prefer on your pasta? Percentage         Response 19%   [xxxx]       marinara (red sauce) 40%   [xxxxxxxx]   alfredo (white sauce) 27%   [xxxxxx]     meat sauce 3%    [x]          no sauce 11%   [xx]         other (please specify) Other Responses: pesto butter & parmesan hamburger meatballs & sauce weak sauce banana juice beer cheese vodka sauce We asked: In which of these habits you regularly engage? Check all that apply. Percentage                Response 41%   [xxxxxxxx]          pick nose 38%   [xxxxxxxx]          pick ears 59%   [xxxxxxxxxxxx]      crack knuckles 47%   [xxxxxxxxxx]        bite nails 50%   [xxxxxxxxxx]        bite lips 21%   [xxxx]              pacing 76%   [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]   procrastinating 18%   [xxxx]              other (please specify) Other Responses: masturbating smoking tripping moping philosophizing

	You may have noticed the randomly generated tidbits viewable at the top of each EvilPasta page. Those statistics are based on the results of input from users during last week's issue of EvilPasta. We'd love to hear about you at EvilPasta Interactive! • To participate in EvilPasta's reader polls and surveys, simply look at the right-hand side of any page within the website for the light green-colored sections labeled "Rate it!" or "About You." • Click, check, and/or type in the response which best describes you, then hit the submit button at the bottom of the form. • Your vote will be counted and the results will be released for all to see in next week's issue of EvilPasta. • Usually, we give you more than one chance to interact within every issue of EvilPasta. Once you submit your response to a poll or survey, if you see ANOTHER poll pop up in place of the last one you submitted, by all means, fill that one out too!

	Picture Of The Week But shhh... it's a secret!

	The next time your job prospects seem grim, keep in mind you're probably up against this sort of individual... You Haven't Made the Short List

	More Murphy's Law 101 For your benefit, EvilPasta offers this additional crash course on Murphy's Law and its wide array of applications. Be enlightened.

	"The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children." —King Edward VIII

	Declaration of Independence A management analyst's critical response to the Declaration of Independence.

	Where an Apple is nothing more than gravity fruit. Layman's Glossary of Computer Terms

	I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

	A scientist was talking to God, and said, "God, we don't really need you anymore. We can make Man ourselves..." Playing Dirty With the Competition

	15 Ways To Confuse Your Roomate Whatever your reasoning or purpose may be, you should find this practical guide peculiarly useful.

	Army Basic Training for the Barney Generation: "Remember, soldiers, after you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend."

	10 More Ways to Confuse Your Professor Once again, EvilPasta insists that there's no excuse for boredom in the college classroom. Try these on for size the next time you find yourself desperate for entertainment. Your professor will love you for it.