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How to save gas: Gasoline Conservation for Dummies
by Joe Hickman
Here's how to save big bucks on gasoline:
• Plan your trips carefully. You can save 50% on gasoline by going only to those places that are down hill… and staying there.
• If you buy a new car that gets 10 miles per gallon more than your present car, you will save 14 cents per gallon on gas. If your new car costs $18,000, gets 30 miles to the gallon, and if you drive 20,000 miles a year, the car will pay for itself in only 87 years.
• Carpooling is a great gasoline saver. Simply drive your car into a pool and leave it there.
• Always keep tires properly inflated. Low tire pressure means poor gas mileage, and the three or four service stations in each state that still sell air are expected to increase prices soon because the air industry needs more money to search for more air.
• Cut gasoline consumption five percent by avoiding stops and starts. Ignore all traffic signals and tell the policeman to buzz off or you'll tell President Bush.
• Never carry unnecessary weight in your car. In other words, if you have children, have small ones.
• Try to eliminate those short trips. For example, when you call Orkin for a free termite inspection, ask them to bring a half-gallon of milk and a dozen eggs.
• A well-tuned engine burns less gasoline. In fact, if you get a major tune-up once or twice a week, your car will burn hardly any gas at all because it'll always be in the shop.
• Consider purchasing a scooter. Scooters use hardly any gasoline at all, particularly in bad weather when most people leave them in the garage.
• Selective shopping can save you money. Since gasoline is less expensive in the Southwest, you can save as much as ten cents a gallon by driving to Oklahoma to fill up.
• You can brew ethanol in your own bath rub. And don't let that unsightly ring around the tub worry you -- it can be removed easily and quickly by simply striking a match.
• Do not drive your car at all for one week. Take the money you saved and buy one share of stock in each oil company. Within six months, you'll be too rich to worry about it.
• Recent studies show motorists can save real money by filling up at a self-service gas station after the station is closed.
• Convert your car's engine to nuclear power by ordering a kit from Iran. This will not only save gasoline but also cut down on the number of trucks that pass you on the freeway.
• And the best way to save money on gasoline: Drive your car only on even-numbered days or when your favorite oil company is losing money.
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This Month's Articles...
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10 Accident Reports
Interesting actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.
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News Headlines Not Worth Printing:
• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies [The Los Angeles Times, March 2]
• Teen-Age Girls Often Have Babies Fathered By Men [The Sunday Oregonian, September 24]
• Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
• Clinton Pledges Restraint In Use Of Nuclear Weapons [Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6]
• How We Feel About Ourselves Is The Core Of Self-Esteem, Says Author Louise Hart [Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5]
• Fish Lurk In Streams [Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29]
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