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	Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming exactly to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.

This Month's Articles...

	The Final Exam EvilPasta University brings you the ULTIMATE final exam. Good luck...

	Grading Final Exams A list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams.

	Don't force it; get a larger hammer. Abbie Hoffman

	Cartoon Laws of Physics The basic laws of physics change completely when we're in the cartoon world...

	What Professors Say and What They Really Mean Language that professors commonly use deciphered for the layman.

	A closed mouth gathers no feet.

	15 Ways To Deal With Stress Whimfully helpful stress-management tips... try these!

	20 More Ways To Be Annoying Let's do society a favor by exposing new inventive ways to annoy the heck out of people.

	Handy guide to modern science: * If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. * If it stinks, it's chemistry. * If it doesn't work, it's physics.

	Fresh Hope for Fat Bunnies LONDON (Apr 28 2004, Reuters): The dangers of obesity to kids may be all over the headlines, but spare a thought for the legions of fat rabbits-- overfed and under-exercised by their doting owners.

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