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	15 Ways To Get Rid of a Blind Date • At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. • Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. • Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. • Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. • Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. • Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. • Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. • Repeat every third third word you say say. • Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. • Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. • Drool. • Ask your date how much money they have with them. • Hum. Loudly. In monotone. • Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. • Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. • Order a bucket of lard. • Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. • Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. • Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. • Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. • When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. • Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. • Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. • Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. • Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

	Picture Of The Month Sometimes you have to wonder about these fortunes.

	15 "My First Book" Children's Books That Never Got Printed You shouldn't have trouble imagining why these books didn't make it into your local children's bookstore.

	Some Zagat Restaurant Survey Comments Too Acidic for Regular Consumption Based on the opinions of over 250,000 respondents, the Zagat Restaurant Survey provides some caustic remarks that the company's lawyers wouldn't let them print if they named the restaurants. Some are included within...

	It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

	As Much Use As... Twenty creative suggestions for insluting "You're as much use as..." expressions to work into your vocabulary.

	Stupid Criminals: Bank Robber Forgets His Cash Proudly delivering your regular dose of stupid criminal acts, we have this news item for you from Des Moines, Iowa.

	Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. Anamaniacs

	15 Ways To Get Rid of a Blind Date This is the kind of behavior that adds character! Use these suggestions only as a last resort... or as common practice... whatever suits you.

	15 More Ways To Deal With Stress Your second therapist was reluctant to suggest these coping methods to you. Again, we weren't.

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