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The Survey • How far is your home from the nearest true-to-God Italian restaurant? Sorry, but Americanized pizza joints do not apply. Olive Garden is acceptable. Fazoli's is not. less than a city block [practically next door] ten city blocks [1 mile/1½km] thirty city blocks [3 miles/5km] ten miles [16km] further than ten miles [16km] I haven’t the slightest clue • Would you like to take the next survey? Click HERE for Issue 5's Survey II. Be My Friend ...on Facebook! Join EvilPasta's growing group of Facebook friends! Friend EvilPasta's Facebook profile here. You'll get to join a social network of other EvilPasta freaks just like you! Plus, you'll get to go behind the scenes a little bit and get access to some special fun little EvilPasta-related things.

	15 Ways To Confuse Your Roomate • Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. • Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. • Walk and talk backwards. • Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. • Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). • Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." • Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. • Eat glass. • Smoke ballpoint pens. • Smile. All the time. • Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. • Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. • Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. • Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. • Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. • Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. • Dye all your underwear lime green. • Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. • Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. • Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). • Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. • Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. • Shave one eyebrow. • Put horseradish in your shoes. • Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. • Always flush the toilet three times. • Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. • Give him/her an allowance. • Listen to radio static. • Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

	Picture Of The Week But shhh... it's a secret!

	The next time your job prospects seem grim, keep in mind you're probably up against this sort of individual... You Haven't Made the Short List

	More Murphy's Law 101 For your benefit, EvilPasta offers this additional crash course on Murphy's Law and its wide array of applications. Be enlightened.

	"The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children." —King Edward VIII

	Declaration of Independence A management analyst's critical response to the Declaration of Independence.

	Where an Apple is nothing more than gravity fruit. Layman's Glossary of Computer Terms

	I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

	A scientist was talking to God, and said, "God, we don't really need you anymore. We can make Man ourselves..." Playing Dirty With the Competition

	15 Ways To Confuse Your Roomate Whatever your reasoning or purpose may be, you should find this practical guide peculiarly useful.

	Army Basic Training for the Barney Generation: "Remember, soldiers, after you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend."

	10 More Ways to Confuse Your Professor Once again, EvilPasta insists that there's no excuse for boredom in the college classroom. Try these on for size the next time you find yourself desperate for entertainment. Your professor will love you for it.

	EvilPasta's Hot Plate... Contribute! EvilPasta is looking for people with a good sense of humor, a spark of creativity, and a hint of randomness to act as regular contributors to our madness. The positions are currently only volunteer, but we promise plenty of recognition, and some sort of fun little compensation in the future. To Apply, simply fill out the short form at EvilPasta's Hot Plate. Click HERE!

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