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The Survey • How far is your home from the nearest true-to-God Italian restaurant? Sorry, but Americanized pizza joints do not apply. Olive Garden is acceptable. Fazoli's is not. less than a city block [practically next door] ten city blocks [1 mile/1½km] thirty city blocks [3 miles/5km] ten miles [16km] further than ten miles [16km] I haven’t the slightest clue • Would you like to take the next survey? Click HERE for Issue 5's Survey II. Find Out First! Get an e-mail the moment a new issue of EvilPasta comes out! Sign up HERE!

	Declaration of Independence                                         The Court of King George the III                                         London, England                                         10 July 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, PA Dear Mr. Jefferson, We have certainly read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet the recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return it to you for further refinement. The following observations are provided to assist you in this process: In your opening paragraph you use the phrase: "the Laws of nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria upon which to base your central argument? Can you please provide us with a copy of these documents? In the same paragraph, you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? How recent is this information. Without specific evidence to support this data it seems to us that the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinions. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult to locate the appropriate supporting data. "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness" seems to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say, that "among these goals is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in 6 of the 13 Colonies of 55 years of age, and to enable the newspapers to print news without outside interference, and to raise the Colonists' average income by 10% in the next 10 years," these would be measurable goals. Please clarify? You state that "Whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and institute a new government..." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. A long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the "Colonies ought to be Free and independent states", and that, "They are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little planning and foresight in these areas helps too prevent careless errors later on. How cost effective are your strategies? Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organizational chart and credentials of the principal investigators. You must submit an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. Please submit a PERT Chart, Activity diagram, T/O and itemized budget. We hope that the preceding comments will prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence" and look forward to seeing your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is NLT 31 July 1776. Ten copies with original signatures are required. Sincerely, Lord Pissant, Esq. Management Analyst to the British Crown

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	10 More Ways to Confuse Your Professor Once again, EvilPasta insists that there's no excuse for boredom in the college classroom. Try these on for size the next time you find yourself desperate for entertainment. Your professor will love you for it.

	EvilPasta's Hot Plate... Contribute! EvilPasta is looking for people with a good sense of humor, a spark of creativity, and a hint of randomness to act as regular contributors to our madness. The positions are currently only volunteer, but we promise plenty of recognition, and some sort of fun little compensation in the future. To Apply, simply fill out the short form at EvilPasta's Hot Plate. Click HERE!

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